Eleven things I’ve learned from JSwipe (Jewish Chronicle)

Anna Behrmann with some important advice from the front line of Jewish dating

If you’re looking for love, chances are you’re on JSwipe. Your most important assets are the photos on your profile, as shallow as that sounds. Some people don’t even bother to write anything about themselves, although that’s pretty off-putting. It’s a numbers game – the more people you swipe right to say yes to, the more matches you’ll accumulate. 

Here’s what I’ve learnt from being on JSwipe:

Literally everyone you know (okay almost everyone) is on JSwipe. If you’re looking for a flat-share on Facebook, you’ll already have seen your potential flatmates’ faces on JSwipe. Anyone you went on a Jewish holiday camp with, or who you found yourself awkwardly chatting with at a black-tie charity event will be there. At least one of your ex-boyfriends will be on JSwipe, posing in a photograph you took of him against a Tel Aviv beach backdrop.

There are lots of photos of men in military uniform and dark glasses with quite serious-looking guns pointing at the camera or slung faux-casually at their hips. It might be a photograph from their three years’ military service in Israel. It’s more likely that a soldier let them dress up and hold a gun in their gap year.

People from your distant past who you may or may not have dated, or who you just met a few times at parties, will suddenly send you a WhatsApp message once they’ve seen you on JSwipe. They will never give a good excuse for why they’re contacting you. It’s just that they’ve seen that your single again. It’s JSwipe official.

There are lots of photographs of guys cuddling babies and young children. They say on their profile that they are their nephews and nieces. You’ll have to take their word for it.

Some guys have a glamorous blonde girl with them in their profile pictures. Are they trying to look popular and sought-after, or are they just in love with their best friend? Hard to say. In turn, you might have group photos with your female friends as part of your picture selection. You won’t tell them they’re starring in your dating profile.

Every time you get a match, the JSwipe app will put up an animation of chairs being lifted up in the air and a sky raining Stars of Davids. It’s strangely addictive and probably stimulates the same part of your brain as winning a point in a video game. It means you spend way more time swiping and trying to get matches than replying to the people who have sent you messages. Responding is boring, right?

You’re at a serious competitive advantage if you’re swiping in north London, as the app shows people within a certain radius (which you can extend.) There won’t be many matches available in north Wales, however wide you set your radius.

If guys are not going bald, they might actually write it on their profile as an achievement, as well as noting down their height, if they are tall. It’s a bit harsh on others – and, for the record, there are lots of good looking shorter men who may or may not be going bald.

‘Ghosting’ – when you date someone and then they stop replying to your messages and pretend you don’t exist – is impossible on JSwipe. You will see them the next morning as you leave to go to work from Golders Green station. And then the next morning. And then you’ll meet each other at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah.

Your mum is relieved you’re on JSwipe as it seems safer than Tinder, which is surely the Wild West of dating apps. If you have lots of mutual friends on Facebook it makes it less likely they’re a serial killer, right?

You’ll delete the app when it all feels a bit pointless, and a bit too much – but you know you’ll download it again eventually. Who wants to miss out on all the action?

Published April 4 2018 in the Jewish Chronicle: https://www.thejc.com/lifestyle/features/eleven-things-i-ve-learned-from-jswipe-1.461902

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